Tossing

Speaking of doubt…I was awoken this morning by the musical sound of my partner expressing her bountiful armoury of doubt. Must be contagious.

It wasn’t exactly how I planned to start the weekend and caused me to withdraw into my usual taciturn state. This in turn caused her to express frustration at my habit of withdrawing into my usual taciturn state. She also stated, quite logically, that such withdrawals on my part meant that she is reluctant to discuss such issues with me which came as something of a surprise.

I’ve always painted myself as the one more likely to raise difficult topics so to hear that I’m the reason why they are not discussed as frequently as they might be caused me to experience a little more doubt being added to the growing pile.

I might have added (were I not being so taciturn) that the reason I don’t relish such discussions is because they always lead me to the same conclusion. That our relationship is doomed and that I may as well get on a plane and leave before I cause any more damage.

We’ve been together for about five years now, we would both like children but the window of opportunity is gradually closing and as I don’t seem to be able to find my place in the world I’ve become increasingly pessimistic about my ability to care and provide for a child. Previously I’ve held the view that things would work out, that the child will not starve and (less vocally) that having a child may well provide me with the impetus to make something of my life.

Currently I feel that we both might be better off were we to face such problems apart. This morning I suggested that if I was not here she would be happier, less hindered by my doubt and lack of direction and may well be better placed to achieve the modest ambitions that she holds, ie children, security and stability.

I know that such, “falling on one’s sword”, scenarios are a bit dramatic and lean towards the flight rather than fight tendencies in me but there was little counter argument provided to this train of thought. Of course this may well have been an expression of frustration or an attempt to rise above my dramatic proposition but I’m increasingly drawn to the argument none the less.

What a tosser!