Fat Handed Twat

I can't remember the programme, possibly Big Train but it was a comedy in which someone was referred to as a fat handed twat. I used the term to refer to my friend Peter for a while, not strictly because his hands are fat but to demean him when he was being clumsy.

I know find myself being a genuinely fat handed twat as I fell over yesterday while taking the air and tried, unsuccessfully, to stp my rapid descent down a hill with the use of my little finger. Frankly, it wasn't up to the task, I'd have been better of using my whole hand or even my elbow but it's too late now, I'll know for next time. Regardless, I have a fat right hand, I am a twat and therefore feel that I have all the qualities required to earn such a title.

Did I mention that it hurts?

I am unable to do many things, some of them are things I was able to do previously such as writing, washing my hands and wiping my arse ambidextrously. Other things such as playing the cello, handballing an Aussie rules football and knocking people out with a singe punch are still beyond me.

I believe I've passed on the most crucial piece of information which is that it is very painful but as I am a man I will hardly mention it and will probably even forget about it as my pain threshold is so high.

Anyway, I wasn't prevented from cutting cheese or using the hand trolley (both of which are also euphemistic expressions for farting and masturbating respectively) so I was able to manfully do a full days work.

But it is very, very painful.